Here are some more gems for you, my friends — quotes and inexplicable events from the trenches of teaching (mostly middle school). Happy Back to School!

During a Mystery Writing Unit

Kid: My pencil is sharp! Now I can stab Zach

Me: We don’t stab people in class, please.

Kid: But then someone could write a mystery about it!

Geography Goodies

Kid: China is my favorite state!

and…

Kid: Hey Jared, close your chromebook.

Jared: I’m using it for… (EXTREMELY LONG SILENT PAUSE) … GEOGRAPHY!

Nerd Alert

I’m in the hallway having come out of the bathroom. A group of nerdy kids ambushes me.

Kid 1: You should learn Klingon! We’re already learning it! We know the Klingon word for success!

Kid 2: (jumps out of his hiding place around the corner ) Ha-na!

Again, something you can’t make up because the truth is stranger than fiction.

I had a kid collect a year’s worth of used chewing gum in a ziplock baggie in his locker. I also had a kid forget he had a bottle of chocolate milk in his locker for several weeks.

More later as I discover my notes hidden away in teacher notebooks from long ago!

Updates:

Kid: Santa is bae.

Kid: These chips are full of hate and blood!

Kid 1: Don’t call people a butthead.

Kid 2: Yeah, call them a Beavis!

Kid: Someone tapped me on the shoulder in the hallway and now I’m questioning life.

I did have a student who thought Hanukkah was pronounced Hakuna like Hakuna Matata.

Kid: Hey Mia, where did you get those markers

Mia: your butt

*kid farts*

Kid behind him: Stop it! I will stab you in the butt! I’m a butt-stabber!

During a study hall I had kids who were bored making paper airplanes and trying to design the best one. I had them name their airlines and one kid named his “Constipated Airlines”

Kid: Everyone has to puke at least once in their life, so…